Period 5/6
3-16-2004
Screwtape Letters Project
A Compilation of Darwin Luther’s Chronicles of Expedia
My Dear and most admirable comrade of the nine, unholy seas, Hey-Zeus,
It has come to my attention through some of my unscrupulous accomplices that you seek to improve your station within the Underworld. Such abominations of thought undercut Our very system and will not be tolerated. However, it is also evident that you have shown a quite remarkable propensity for this business and in this most singular case, I will bend the rules. Beware, for you tread a thin wire hanging perilously between the depths of Hades and the mountains of Apollo. The tenets which you have broken would leave you death as your friendliest penalty, yet if you succeed in the task I am about to set before you, you will reach a depth of attrition that all who follow you will admire.
Simply put, here is your duty and the key to your very survival: convert a so-called pagan worshipper of the Above-world, named Kristopher Brower, to that of His Majesty. You may be laughing at this very moment at the ease of your �descendance� into the pits of despair, but you will find this creature most unsuitably fit for any type of existence. He falls so squarely into the middle of what the humans call, �living for the moment� that he holds no care for either the Enemy or Us. While it is quite attractive that he cares not for those heavenly aspirations, my mood turns sour to think that I have had no effect on this mere mortal. For the past seventeen years I have tried without success to turn this patient to Our side. I, the prevailing Undersecretary to Satan Himself, cannot make a dent upon this monstrosity, and so if you wish to take my chair from under me (well actually above me), then you will sure as Hell (I mean Heaven) earn it. Nevertheless, I will not lead you on this chase blindly. I do not fear giving you advice in this matter, for anything that I can learn will be of great value. Quite honestly, I have little faith in your present endeavors, but I will nevertheless enjoy seeing you drown in a sugar, oh so sweet.
Once again, it must be made clear that this patient will be much more difficult to convert than that Pope fellow you had swimming in hot coals a few weeks back. This creature suffers such an apathetic disposition that the Enemy has made as few inroads upon his soul as We have. It is easy by comparison to show the white clad connoisseurs of That Book how poorly they tread and how little they will manage in their afterlives. But the question arises of how we might approach a human who cares so little of what happens around him. How can we pray upon the failures and indecisive nature of decisions if none exist in the conceived world of the patient? As that apple-headed Newton would say, �every action has a reaction.� But how can we show this creature that different reactions await him on Our side if he cannot see the very actions that can derive any possible outcome? These questions have sprinkled the ice cream of my jolly dreams for over a decade. Those Holy paupers which you have so easily converted as of late, show that people with convictions, whether of our taste or not, are more easily dissolved than those with none at all. It is quite simple to show the falsity of the human existence and thereby stun an unsuspecting victim into Our camp. However, it proves to be a challenge when the patient already acknowledges the paradoxes of his world. I would suggest that you prepare for a long, hard battle, one that will test every ounce of your ability. Perhaps a new voice such as yours will soften or anger his steadfast constitution. Either extremity will suffice, so long as his stony complexion can be broken.
Speak to him as if he is a King or if he is a pauper. Tell him he’s the most brilliant man in the Universe or that he doesn’t even have the mind of a parasite. Even better yet: tell him that he is all of these things! Tell him that he’s being evil when he helps an old lady cross a street, because she will become dependent upon people such as he. And tell him that he’s doing great deeds when he doesn’t do his homework because he’s giving others a chance to do it instead. Essentially, you must take him to dizzying heights and then crash him down. Do anything that you can to break him. This is not a case to take lightly. Throw every preconceived notion you have of our profession out the window because none apply here. A man who cares little about his future is a dangerous man; he’s as dangerous to Us as he is to Them. It’s a scary thought to think that the two polar opposites of the Universe have a common detractor: that of the Middle.
Your always exceptionally angry and disheartened Count of Crisco and Lard,
Darwin Luther
Table of Contents
Letter One
Letter Two
Letter Three