From: prof.bilkseal@hell.edu
To: stud.furyspawn@hell.edu
Subject: Co-op Opportunity
Date: 3 March 2004 13:57:53
Dear Furyspawn,
I have become aware of a program that takes the top few students in a class and places them into an internship. Your amazing grades, enthusiasm, motivation and cleverness led me to recommend you for this job. You will be given your very own human to corrupt while I oversee your actions. There is no need to worry, the human given to you will be an easy patient, one the higher powers have deemed almost assuredly on the path to damnation. I have taken the liberty of signing you up for this program. If you don’t like it, you can go to Hell.
He calls himself Brian Laager, though that fact is really of no importance to you. He is a senior in high school, a teenager, I won’t bore you with details you will soon find out for yourself. I spent some time studying his character and have determined a few key areas for you to focus on. First, he cares about very little. He doesn’t care about tasks given to him, politics, religion, other’s opinions of him, or pretty much anything about life in general. However, the few things he does care about he does so passionately. Film and technology are the two largest interests he has, and it seems unlikely that he will easily let them go. This could make your mission difficult. Remember, we want him to say years from now, “I now see that I spent most of my life in doing neither what I ought nor what I liked.” Since he doesn’t care about things he dislikes, I think there is little chance he will do what he should instead what he likes. Your problem lies in getting him away from what he likes. He is now waiting for acceptances from colleges. At the schools he applied to, he gave his preferred major as Computer Science. Now, however, he is unsure he wants to pursue this major and feels serious anxiety about his future. You must feed on this. Expand his anxiety, attempt to inflate it to such an extent that it will remove his appreciation for technology. If done correctly, he will associate technology with anxiety, thus making it difficult for him to care about it. His affection for film may be more difficult to banish. He seems to like movies that none of his peers enjoy but still continues to appreciate them. For this reason inflaming his sense of peer-pressure will not be successful. I think all you can do is wait and see if you can somehow relate a bad experience of his to film.
This Brian seems to get riled up over small annoyances his peers create, especially those of his family. Since I’ve found this to be a common character trait among all humans, I think it’s safe to follow the textbook on this account. Simply make him think of what annoys him about the person whenever he sees him or her. This may create some quarrels or minor disputes, or lower his respect for the person. Frankly, however, I think this will have little effect on your patient as, as stated above, he really doesn’t care what other people think of him. It can’t hurt to try, however, as every little bit counts in the fight with the Enemy.
Brian is a procrastinator. His lack of motivation stems from his uncaring attitude to what he doesn’t enjoy. If you make him take the step from procrastination to simply not doing the work he doesn’t feel like doing, I think we will have won the battle. On the long term, he will not do what he needs to get done. He will score poorly in school, and will not be able to get the kind of job he desires or the education he needs. He will not be able to live the lifestyle he wants, and will become utterly depressed. When thinking about his condition, he will realize that all of his troubles stem only from himself, and he will wallow in his own self-pity. He will only have himself to blame for his predicament, and will hate himself for his failure. If this occurs, we have won, for humans cannot ‘love’ the Enemy if they do not love themselves.
Humans are utterly flawed creatures, and I’m certain this Brian has innumerable other imperfections that I have not yet uncovered in my examination. If I discover them, however, I will keep them to myself unless you begin to lose him to the Enemy. To me that seems next to impossible to someone as naturally talented as you. He believes that the absence of the supernatural and the origin of his universe can be explained by human science! Even without our intervention, I believe this human would walk right through our gates without even noticing them. If you fail, I will fail you as well as send you back to Purgatory, Hell, or, even worse, Earth. Good luck. I expect weekly progress reports. I am always available for questions you may have, but keep in mind that I am most interested to see how you handle him on your own from now on. I’ve given you enough help. Go now and do Our Father’s bidding.
Regards,
Bilkseal
Table of Contents
Accepted!
A Co-op Opportunity