Fret Not Zombies
When a comet comes too close to our blue planet Scientists aim scopes and eyes at sky hoping to scan it In the inevitable cloud of cosmic micro-dust Is a formula that unleashes zombie blood lust For days after we rid ourselves of the scourge We beergratulate each other for a successful purge But, wait, just ...

The Latest From Cornhusk Records
The Latest From Cornhusk Records By. Davenger Mendes Greetings one and all! Bob Cougat here. Say, its almost summer and here we are, listening to the same old yuk until those DJs pound it into the ground. Have faith, dear listeners, because Cornhusk Records is shuckin’ out a fresh ...

Caveman II
Caveman.....Part Deux Matt the caveman once again. My last report gave a broad view of day-to-day Cro-Magnon life. I initiated writing a description of political structure when I was taken from my toil by a curious occurence. I was preparing my report in ...

OFF THE CUFF
OFF THE CUFF To be perfectly honest I don't have time to be submitting an humorous article to your magazine. After all, I am a man in dire straights. Desperately trying to make ends meet, handle a nasty divorce, find employment, avoid bill collectors, make sure that my bartender ...

i am a pentameter
shall i compare thee to a round bosom of a child bearing woman should i penetrate thee with my rusty nail and pray thee do not contracteth tetnis i solemnly swear to rip out every pubic hair what is this ribaldry? couldeth lord stamos carry thy tremendous burden of Full house? i'll make love to you, ...

the legend of matt nathanson
once upon a time it was a dark and stormy all hallows eve. I was clad in my Sunday habiliments, when my father's daughter dressed as the reverend, Al Sharpton. Nigger. At any rate, she approached me and loosened my garter from around my large girth. ...

The Hugest Bug in the World and Me
I went downstairs this afternoon where all the exercise equipment is, and I was planning to work-out. I turned on MTV, and the new G-Unit song was playing. "This work-out is totally going to rock," I thought, because anytime I start my work-out with a good song, I ...

disney/pixar presents a tale of shit
once upon a time i was real bored dman i still am hell that rhymes. maybe i should rap if i can ryhm liek that. but then again i do not promote that kind of stuff. anyway senior skip day is coming up and well um u ...

The Woes of Retail
I work at Target. I work at the Guest Service desk. I get so many annoying people returning stuff, I want to shove them all in a box and throw it in the incinerator. But then I remember that Target doesn't have an incinerator. Apparently, it's ...