A Thanksgiving Carol
A Thanksgiving CarolAct I
Scene One
[It's Thanksgiving Day in the small town of Adams, Massachusetts. Brothers Russ (14) and Jim (18) are on their way to go hunting at their traditional field in the mountains.]
Russ: I can't wait to shoot the heads off some turkeys with my new gun.
Jim: Yeah I got my old shotgun in the back… so ready to end the lives of dozens of defenseless turkeys for our amusement.
Russ: We need to make sure we're back soon though, being that there is a concert at the McDonald's gazebo at six and all.
Jim: Yeah don't even worry about it we'll be back in no time. There's one!
[Jim swerves off the road and slays a turkey with his tires, then stops]
Russ: You almost drove us into a friggin' tree!
Jim: Yeah but judging by the blood all over the right side of my truck, I'm pretty sure I got that gobbling bastard.
Russ: Nice, toss it in the bed of the truck, lets see how many we can get and then throw them on someone's lawn later
Jim: Oh I'm sure we can beat last year's record of 63. I can smell the gobbles from here.
Russ: [getting out of the truck] Me too, lets venture into the woods and—
Jim: Gobbles! 4 o'clock!
[Both instantly aim and fire at a turkey that's just chilling in the woods, dismembering it hideously]
Russ: Hey! Another one in further. [Bang!]
Jim: There's one to the right! [Bang!]
[An hour passes]
Russ: What a rush! We're gonna smoke our old record!
Jim: [whispering] Russ, do you see that turkey over there?
Russ: That has to be the biggest, most human-like turkey I've ever seen. Lets splatter it with the shovel.
Jim: All right I'll scare it to the right, and you hit a homer… k, ready? One, two, …THREE! [Jim shoots it's left arm off and it starts moving its way right towards Russ with the metal shovel]
Russ: The pitch… and the HIT. [Smashing it in the face] Instant replay! [Keeps smashing it in the face] Instant replay! Instant replay! Instant re—
Jim: WAIT! Russ, stop! STOP!
Russ: [looking up at him with blood all over the front of him] What's the prob, Bob?
Jim: Did you see when I shot its arm off?
Russ: Yeah? So?
Jim: Dude, turkeys do not have arms.
Russ: Oh… shit man, you're right. I just got caught up in the moment that I just sort of figured it was a gobbles.
Jim: Yeah that's definitely a human.
Russ: Well, are you sure he's dead?
Jim: [Shooting it in the chest] Pretty sure. Even if he was alive, do you know all the fines and laws and stuff we'd have to face, we'd go to jail. So now let's just act like none of this ever happened, jail blows.
Russ: True, but we should at least throw him in that bush over there so nothing sees him. He doesn't have any ID or money on him and his camouflage did look a lot like a turkey.
Jim: Yeah what a gay, retarded man! He deserved it! Asshole!
Russ: Yeah! But anyways, I think we bagged at least 80 turkeys today, we should get the shit out of here now.
Jim: All right but first lets get one thing straight. If one of us in some weird way gets caught, we won't rat the other out.
Russ: Agreed.
[They get in the truck full of dead turkeys in the bed, and ride home being very quiet]
Russ: [nearing town] Jim, there was no one else up there, right?
Jim: I didn't see anyone, so I think we're good.
Scene Two
[Martha is shopping at Big-Y with her 5 year old son]
Martha: Billy, stay close. There are a lot of people here shopping for turkeys and breadcrumbs and pumpkin pies of the sort.
Billy: No! [Running down the cleaning isle, building a fortress out of toilet paper]
Martha: [Mumbling] That little brat is going to get himself killed one of these days.
Store Clerk: Hello Miss! May I help you find anything?
Martha: Well I need a turkey but you guys are all out.
Store: No worries, I always have this one… right here. [Pulling a frozen turkey from underneath his apron] It's definitely not poisoned or anything.
Martha: All right, I'll take it! How much is it?
Store Clerk: Free of charge, Miss. I can tell you're someone who knows how to handle a turkey.
Martha: That I am.
Store Clerk: Here now, I'll check out your goods right here, right now at this service desk behind me. Let me just scan your goods with my laser.
Martha: Okaaaay….
Store Clerk: …And the total comes to a whopping $0.00.
Martha: Wow! Why?
Store Clerk: No reason, don't think anything of it. Just take your turkey and leave. But wait.
Martha: Um, all right, what am I waiting for?
Store Clerk: Your son, Martha. Do not forget your son, he loves you. Now take your son and run along. [He pulls Martha's son out from underneath his apron and scoots him along with a giant grin]
Martha: Oh yeah. [Thinking to herself as the store clerk walks backwards with the same grin on his face until he's out of viewing distance] How did he know my name? [Speaking again] Bah, whatever. Ok Billy, let's go and get this turkey and stuff home so we can cook it up and have thanksgiving dinner with the family.
Billy: Who's goan' be there?
Martha: Your older brothers, Jim and Russ and your old Aunt Marylyn.
Billy: Aunt Marylyn's old!
Martha: No shit.
Scene Three
[Back to Russ and Jim in the truck, cruising about the town]
Russ: [Nearing Whitney's] Let's get pumpkins!
Jim: Well, we could use some to throw at people's houses and vandalize some random property. All right let's go.
Russ: [Looking around Whitney's] Whitney's cookies are the man too, omma' gonna get a few of them too.
Whitney's Employee: You like those cookies don't you?
Russ: Uh, yeah, who are you?
Whitney's Employee: Never mind. The cookies are free, but I'll have you know that this one is much better. [Hands Russ a beautiful cookie from underneath his apron]
Jim: Wait hold on what is going on here?
Whitney's Employee: No worries, I work here and I'm offering all these punkins that you're holding for free, as well as… the cookie.
Jim: Oh okay. Bitchin', let us take our leave.
Russ: All right, it's 4:00pm so that gives us 2 hours before the thing at McDonalds. Let's hit up that bitch's house first.
Jim: Good idea Russ! I hate that festering pile of whore-clumps.
Russ: As do I.
[Cut scene to that bitch's house]
Russ: Okay, grapple a punkin. One, two, th—
Jim: Wait! We should hollow them out first and take dumps in em.
Russ: Yeah! Good idea! Lets begin dumping.
[Cop siren]
Cop: Hey you two! Don't shit in pumpkins and throw them at people's houses. I'm pretty sure that's not legal.
Jim and Russ: Sorry…
Cop: Yeah, you kids are Martha's boys, right?
Jim: That's right.
Cop: She's got a sweet ass. I'd pound that in a second flat!
Jim: Um, thank you sir.
Cop: You kids going to the gazebo at 6?
Jim: Yes.
Cop: Don't screw around or I'll fucking shoot you both. [Burns out in his cruiser and drives off]
Russ: [breaking his silence] I hate cops so much.
Jim: Yeah, he's an asshole. Bah, I guess lets just go home and do that dinner thing with mom.
Russ: Aiight.
Jim: You're not black, shut the fuck up and say okay like a normal human.
Russ: Okay.
Act II
Scene Four
[Scene opens at the home dinner table]
Martha: So… How was your day, everyone?
Billy: I played with my fire truck! Then I watched T.V.! Then I went to Big-Y! Then I—
Martha: Shut up, dumbass! By everyone I actually meant everyone else. So just don't say anything, young, adopted skid mark!
Billy: But I want some gobble!
Martha: You'll get the leftovers after we're done, now go sit in your box! [To Russ and Jim] So boys, did you have an eventful day hunting?
Russ: We didn't kill anybody, if that's what you mean.
Jim: [punching Russ in the arm] Actually we killed over 80 turkeys and beat last years record. We then threw the dead turkeys in someone's backyard because they looked poor and needy.
Martha: Well that sounds nice. Aunt Marylyn, would you like some more turkey?
Aunt Marylyn: Meh!
Martha: K here you go. Yeah the strangest thing happened today, they gave me everything for free at Big-Y. And some creepy salesman gave me this delicious turkey.
Jim: Yeah same thing happened at Whitney's when we got some pumpkins and a cookie.
Martha: I think the guy's nametag said "Beef Jerky" on it.
Russ: Hey! So did that guy's at Whitney's!
Aunt Marylyn: [bursting out in a fit of uncontrollable coughing] Nooo! No!
Martha: [Getting Aunt Marylyn some water] Are you okay Aunt Marylyn?
Billy: Aunt Marylyn is going to explode!
Martha: [To Billy] Shut up, retard!
Aunt Marylyn: So it begins…
Jim: What begins?
Aunt Marylyn: [Catching her breath] Gather around, children. You need to here a story. Twelve years ago on Thanksgiving morn, my dear friend Obby ran over a puppy. This puppy belonged to a man by the name of Beef Jerky. After hearing of what had happened to his puppy, Beef Jerky brutally murdered Obby and all of his family by using malicious schemes to poison turkeys and cookies by impersonating workers at grocery stores and such. After Obby and his family consumed the poisonous food at their dinner table, they spontaneously heaved shards of their own bone matter and muscle tissue precisely 1 hour later without warning. The thing is, nobody ever told Beef Jerky who ran over his puppy, he just sort of knew. And from that day on he vowed that if anyone ever killed anyone in his family ever again, he would know about it no matter what and do the same to the people who were involved. Especially if it was his Uncle Wilbur, who likes to dress up in turkey-looking camouflage and go hunting on Thanksgiving Day by himself.
Jim: Hmmmm… Oh.
Russ: I'm not really hungry anymore.
Martha: Oh don't be scared of Aunt Marylyn, she's a crazy old lady who doesn't know what she's talking about. Right Aunt Marylyn?
Aunt Marylyn: I sure hope that you boys didn't kill anything you weren't supposed to out in the woods, or else we shall all be dead in one hour.
Martha: Aunt Marylyn, quit being a scary whore! Here Billy, eat up the rest of this turkey its good for you. Poisoned my ass. Is everyone else done with their dinner?
Jim and Russ: Mmhm! Very stuffed!
[Jim and Russ leave the dinner table, dragging Aunt Marylyn behind them, entering a room to sit down a talk with the old bitch]
Jim: Aunt Marylyn, how do you stop the poison? Is there an antidote?
Aunt Marylyn: The only way to stop the poison… is to…
Russ: Yes? Yes? What is it?
Aunt Marylyn: Blaahaaraginflbarogalsaladnchips! [-Dead-]
Jim: Holy Shit! That's bone matter and muscle tissue that she just vomited!
Russ: Sick, dude! But I thought it was supposed to take an hour?
Jim: I guess because she's an old bitch it works faster because she's weaker or something.
Russ: That and I saw her gnawing on the turkey before mom cooked it.
Jim: Wait! Russ, did you ever eat that cookie?
Russ: Oh good idea, I could go for a cookie right now. [Takes a bite out of his cookie]
Jim: [Slapping it from Russ' hand] Don't you understand? It's poisoned! And we both had turkey!
Russ: [Gasp after swallow]
Martha: What is going on in here? Oh my God! [Examines Aunt Marylyn's corpse and vomit]
Jim: Bad tuna she had earlier.
Russ: Yeah, bad tuna.
Martha: Oh okay, as long as it wasn't poisoned turkey from Beef Jerky that makes you gag out your own vital organs and whatnot. [Martha exits the room]
Jim: [Whispering] Russ, we need to find Beef Jerky and make him get the antidote for us in less than an hour!
Russ: Its 5:57! No doubt he's creeping about the gazebo at McDonalds. We should check there first, even though it will take like 15 minutes to get there.
Jim: K lets go! [They both run through the kitchen and out the front door]
Martha: [Yelling to them as they leave] Aren't you kids going to stay for dessert? Oh well.
Billy: Can I have some cake?
Martha: No! You're dumb, and dumb kids don't get cake, plus you haven't finished your turkey.
Billy: Aunt Marylyn said it was poisoned!
Martha: [Taking the turkey from him] Fine, you get no food today.
Billy: Aw shucks.
Scene Five
[Scene opens at the gazebo, where Jim and Russ are just arriving to see local band Subluxation playing. Many children are running about, grabbing balloons from the clown who is entertaining to the best of his ability. There are also many old ladies and a bunch of random people.]
Jim: Holy crap! Look at all the people here.
Russ: Okay the guy was kind of tall and skinny. You saw him before, right Jim?
Jim: Yeah I did. I say we split up to look for him and meet back here in 20 minutes.
Russ: Okay.
[Russ exits stage]
Jim: Let's see… If I were a creepy guy named Beef Jerky, Where would I be?
[Jim stands there for a while thinking, watching the clown hand out black balloons to children]
Of course! I'd be over there! [Pointing to a random spot on the grass]
...Hmm nope, I guess not. Maybe I'd be over by Subluxation, creepy fucks like him like that crappy kind of music. Ah HA! Oh never mind, that's just Albert. [He looks around a bit, getting desperate with only minutes left before the poison sets in to effect. Glancing at his watch, he begins to sweat] I should meet Russ back at the entrance now.
[Russ is standing there, eating a double cheeseburger with added tomato, and drinking a root beer. He is holding a black balloon and just watching Subluxation try to play]
Jim: Russ, you got food?! You are supposed to be finding Beef Jerky!
Russ: What? I was hungry, and what better place for a guy named Beef Jerky to hang out than McDonalds at this hour?
Jim: Good point. But Russ, we might die just like Aunt Marylyn in three minutes.
[Russ starts eating his food faster]
Jim: Where'd you get that balloon? And why does it say avenged on it with white letters with fluffy checked off and Wilbur not yet checked off?
Russ: Oh I don't know. I got it from that clown over there.
Jim: That's Beef Jerky! C'mon let's get him!
[Jim leads running across the park with Russ trailing behind. He tackles the clown and starts strangling him.]
Jim: Your Uncle Wilbur was an accident! Now how do we get the poison out or I'll kill you!
Clown: The poison came from poison. Redemption and justice will be acquired in time.
Russ: What the hell does that mean?
Clown: Cursed thee, for I am none to force this relentless salvation upon you! It is your own doings!
Jim: Oh man… I don't feel so great.
[Children start screaming]
Clown: [Singing]
Righteousness has come once again on this day!
And I for one give thanks.
The decisions made were right ones? Nay!
For it is fate that gives us our spanks!
Russ: What the F—
Jim: Phlaabagabajackinsomebabybitsinpoogaaaah! [-Dead-]
Clown: Muhahahahahahahahahaa!
Russ: Oh Noooogablaganablesindarzinwheatthinsaresparky [-Dead-]
Clown: Muhahahahahahaha! Moo!
Subluxation: Umm… That's our show for today, I guess. Someone get that creepy dude that was just singing.
Cop: All right, let's go buddy.
Subluxation: No not me, the clown with the blood and shit all over him.
Cop: Oh, ok.
Clown: The trait has been passed! Billy knows. He knows! I am complete. [Falls over on his side and dies instantly with his eyes staring outwards and that same grin on his face.]
Cop: Well that was a little bit weird.
Old Lady: Your mom is weird!
Cop: I'm leaving.
Scene Six
[Scene opens with a bunch of cops and detectives investigating the house of Russ and Jim, as to see what happened.]
Detective: Murphy, did you get anything on the mother?
Murphy: We have a body we think is a Martha Jackson-Lewis-Jordan-Snipes-Rodriguez-O'Boyle. She's covered in her own internal fluids upstairs. Lord it smells.
Detective: Yes I've seen this before. Bad tuna. Happens every once in a while to people who buy and eat bad tuna, mostly in the south though. I've never seen it so extreme.
Cop 1: Sir, you should come look at this.
Detective: It's a large box? Good lord what is that revolting creature in it?
Cop 2: God the smell is horrendous!
Murphy: it almost looks like… a… boy. Aw and it's scared. Do you have a name, little fellow?
Detective: That thing isn't going to talk. Get it to the ER now! I want blood samples, hair samples, urine samples, and eyeball samples! We need to find out what went down here, and I think this little boy is the key, granting that it is a little boy.
[Billy is shaken, starved and cold with a large grin on its face. The lights fade out and the curtain closes]
End
Note: The thoughts and views written herein do not reflect any of the writer, including, but not limited to: Subluxation being a bad band, killing many turkeys for amusement, any violence for that matter, etc.
Rating: 7.0 out of 1 vote cast
©2003-2012 Kris Brower All Rights Reserved Privacy Policy