And Then There Were None
An Absurd Play by Anand SelvamCHARACTERS:
WADDLES: A short, incredibly corpulent young man, whose oblivious, shallow thought characterizes the world.
ROBIN: The typical side-kick figure, always quick to react, and whose fickle nature depicts the turning tides of human thought.
MAN # 1: A supposedly popular, handsome young man, who embodies the honored
members of society. He is horribly snobby and thinks quite highly of himself.
MAN # 2: An overweight, unpleasant looking individual. However, he is remarkably
kind and possesses even more impressive insights into human nature.
SCENE:
A vapid telephone pole, surrounded by two insipid men, wearing vapid
clothing, speaking in insipid tones, on a vapid street, in an insipid town.
ACT 1:
SCENE 1:
WADDLES: ...and yet our fruitful existence is based upon the adoration of the masses.
The true measure of one’s faith lies in one’s ability to deny oneself in order to win other people’s respect. The noble aim of the common man is to form concordats in which allies generate a mutual trust, united in destroying a common enemy. However, in God’s eyes we must slave for a single purpose in life, a holy salvation, and the matrimony with a divine force.
ROBIN: Quite honorable indeed.
WADDLES: Poor pauper. You’re but a little fish in an immeasurable sea.
ROBIN: Huh? (confused.) I don’t quite follow you.
WADDLES: Of course not! How could anyone expect you to?
ROBIN: That’s quite nice of you. You know, you’re the best friend I have.
WADDLES: That would be quite an accomplishment, except for the fact that I’m the
only friend you have.
ROBIN: Why don’t we go for a walk?
WADDLES: We can’t!
ROBIN: Why not?
WADDLES: We’re waiting for the school bus!
ROBIN: (despairingly). Ah! (Pause.) You’re sure it was here?
WADDLES: What?
ROBIN: That we were supposed to wait here.
WADDLES: They said by this telephone pole. (They look at the pole.)
ROBIN: Who did?
WADDLES: Why the school bus driver of course!
ROBIN: Oh. (He looks at the pole again.) Are you sure it was this pole?
WADDLES: What other telephone pole could it be? Every pole is individually
trademarked, one of a kind. Therefore our pole is here, and since we are here, at this exact spot, here in every sense of the word, here forever, then this is invariably the correct pole. Undoubtedly, even your feeble mind should be able to see that.
ROBIN: Uh. (confused.) There are about twenty poles on this street.
WADDLES: (angrily.) Never mind you imbecile. It should be obvious to any human
mind that in our perpetual quest for superiority, we must stand united, one pole against all others, timelessly struggling against the masses which in turn rally against our predestined will.
ROBIN: How can a pole stand up to others? Isn’t it an innnnannnimmm...?
WADDLES: Inanimate object? Maybe I’ll explain that to you one day.
ROBIN: (whining.) I’m cold.
WADDLES: (in a contemplative trance.) You are not cold, of all people, you are not
cold. Imagine those who...
ROBIN: Well, are you sure the bus hasn’t already come?
WADDLES: (regaining control.) We’ve been standing here for ages. Since the dawn of
time, the rising curtain of the human tragedy, rarely comic in nature, is certainly tragic.
ROBIN: So, it’s comic sometimes?
WADDLES: Even the greatest tragedies have comic points of view. Enemies of those
who suffer view the tormented with joy, a sadism of worst breed.
ROBIN: Didn’t we just get here?
WADDLES: No, we spent the night sleeping against this pole. We took turns looking
out for the color purple.
ROBIN: Purple? Why purple?
WADDLES: Purple is the only color I see most often. The leaves, the grass, and the
leaves of grass, as Whitman would say, are all purple. It also is the color of our bus.
ROBIN: No, it’s not. It’s green!
WADDLES: (yelling.) Purple!
ROBIN: (retaliating.) Green!
WADDLES: Purple!
(A green bus approaches, slows, but doesn’t stop.)
ROBIN: (victoriously.) HA-HA! I told you! That’s a mental wreck!
WADDLES: Shut up!
ROBIN: Nuke! You got killed!
WADDLES: Restrain your over-joyous celebrations.
ROBIN: (bewildered.) Hey! Our bus is leaving!
WADDLES: How do you know it was our bus?
ROBIN: Because it was green.
WADDLES: Well, even if it was green, which I hesitate to believe in the first place,
there very well may exist similar buses of the exact same tincture.
ROBIN: What?
WADDLES: Of course, you wouldn’t understand. But here’s a syllogism even you
should be able to follow. Listen: Our bus is purple. It’s not green. Therefore it’s purple.
ROBIN: Quite profound.
WADDLES: Yes, I know. Here’s another: If our bus is not green, then it’s purple. Say
hypothetically, our bus is purple. Therefore, our bus cannot be green.
ROBIN: Wow. (excitedly.) Maybe the bus came before us!
WADDLES: No, that would be impossible.
ROBIN: Why do you say that?
WADDLES: First of all, we have been waiting here since the first day of school, which
means the bus has not come at all yet...
ROBIN: How do you know we came on the right day? It might still be summer you
know.
WADDLES: There’s snow on the ground you fool!
ROBIN: Oh. Well, how do you know that this is the right place?
WADDLES: We have already established the fact that this telephone pole right here is
the bus stop. Now logically, if a bus has not stopped at this exact spot, then OUR bus has not arrived. Logic is able to defeat all uncertainty. It clears the foggiest of days, lightens the darkest of nights, and darkens the lightest of days. Our duty is to stand tall in the face of adversity, hold our tongues, and regret not having been able to gain a worthwhile education.
ROBIN: Or we could just go home.
WADDLES: WHAT?!?!
ROBIN: I said, “Or we could just go home.”
WADDLES: No! You fiend! It was just a rhetorical question. You cannot defy the
School System! It will hunt you down and destroy you like a tiny insect hovering unpleasantly about the room. You do not understand the severity of such a statement and its endless consequences. Our duty is to respect those who give us this splendid knowledge, and even more so, those who enable us to make our way to the facilities which grant us this favor.
ROBIN: You mean the bus drivers?
WADDLES: YES! They are the holiest of messengers. The most divine carriers, that of
the human existence, which lies solely in their hands.
ROBIN: (whining.) But I’m tired.
WADDLES: Obstinate mule! We must wait until called upon. I’ve never, ever been
tired, even when I was sleepy. That’s a fact, which is almost true, false rarely, and never rarely true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE 2:
(Suddenly a popular appearing man approaches. He proceeds in quite a horrid manner. Bumping into Waddles, he nearly knocks him into a pile of snow.)
MAN: Hey fatty! Why don’t you watch where you’re standing!
(The man mercilessly shoves the obese Waddles into the snow face first)
WADDLES: (getting up, his demeanor changes entirely from what it was during the first scene.) Oh, I’m quite sorry sir. It was absolutely my fault, except for the fact that
it is very necessary for my presence around this pole.
ROBIN: True. True.
MAN: It’s a wretched tree if I were to say so myself.
WADDLES: Yes, but it’s all I have, dear sir!
ROBIN: But it’s a pole.
MAN: (turning to Robin.) Who cares about your stupid pole.
ROBIN: (genuinely) I do.
MAN: (snickering.) And why is that?
ROBIN: (stupidly.) Uh.......I’m not sure.
MAN: (sarcastically.) That’s what I thought.
WADDLES: If I may kindly interrupt, dear sir, please excuse my dithering understudy.
He’s at a loss to understand the immense value of this pole.
MAN: The only thing that’s immense is your waistline! Why don’t you get on a
treadmill or something.
ROBIN: (turning towards Waddles.) Ohhhhhhhh! Mental wreck!
WADDLES: (ignores Robin, continues speaking to the MAN.) I am sorry my personal
shape is unsightly to your high standards. I only wish I could receive your approbation in matters of the vogue. Certainly, your fashionable taste surpasses that of my own superior knowledge of the world.
ROBIN: Yes. You are absolutely correct!
MAN: You guys are crazy! Wacked out! Forget you! I’m outta here.
(The fashionable man rushes away in a frightful haste.)
WADDLES: What a kind man to associate with those such as myself.
ROBIN: True. True.
WADDLES: (grasping reality once again.) What did you say! You wretch! Blithering
idiot! How dare you insult me! I am your intellectual master!
ROBIN: True. I am your subservient sycophant.
WADDLES: Don’t use big words you don’t know the meaning of. Words are for
twisting, but not deceiving. Deceiving is the twisting of words in an unsightly manner, not even appropriate to sight. Every word I utter has its place, a place to sit, stand, run, walk, and sit again. This is the ultimate goal in deceiving, but I don’t deceive at all because I only twist.
ROBIN: (whining.) But I heard you use it once.
WADDLES: Don’t make excuses. You know your place, which is certainly not one to
twist or deceive, for you only twist yourself in knots, which cannot be tied or untied, or for that matter knotted or unknotted. This is your nature and the nature of such knots that inhabit the world, knots such as those in our very pole.
(They stand disillusioned, unsuccessfully searching for meaning in their lives. Staring at their beloved pole, they wish for their bus to return.)
ROBIN: Why don’t we go home?
WADDLES: We can’t!
ROBIN: Why not?
WADDLES: We’re waiting for the school bus!
ROBIN: (despairingly). Ah! (Pause.) You’re sure it was here?
WADDLES: What?
ROBIN: That we were supposed to wait here.
WADDLES: They said by this telephone pole. (They look at the pole.)
ROBIN: Who did?
WADDLES: Why the school bus driver of course!
ROBIN: But we haven’t even seen the bus driver yet.
WADDLES: That is of no consequence, my dear friend.
ROBIN: Then what is?
WADDLES: Don’t ask such subjective questions. You might get more than you wish
for. Objective and subjective questions are quite easily differentiated. Objective ones are those that ask for objects and subjective ones are asking for subjects. A subject is much more broad than an object, so try asking objective questions, since subjective questions are harder to ask and easier to answer, but involve longer answers and shorter questions. Therefore subjective questions are better.
ROBIN: (whining.) I’m hungry.
WADDLES: (surprisingly kind.) I think I have a twinkie somewhere in my pocket. Do
you want it?
ROBIN: Don’t you have some cheesecake?
WADDLES: WHAT!?!? How dare you! (He takes the twinkie and throws it at Robin’s
head. It bounces off and lands in the crater which Waddles himself created.)
ROBIN: Sorry. (He ravenously devours the tasty morsel.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE 3:
(Suddenly, another man approaches. This time he’s an overweight, unpleasant looking individual. Yet, these features are overshadowed by his kindness.)
MAN: Why hello, dear friends. I’ve seen you guys hanging around that tree for quite a
long time. What’s so special about it?
WADDLES: What’s so special about it?!?! Fool! Imbecile! Idiot! How dare you
question the power of this pole. It is the fountain of all knowledge!
ROBIN: (turns towards the man.) Nuke! You got killed!
MAN: Uhmmmm....(sincerely.) Sorry, I didn’t know your tree held such high
sentimental value.
WADDLES: Well, next time don’t open your fat mouth. You’re so fat, your mama’s fat
too.
ROBIN: (turns toward the man.) Mental wreck!!!
MAN: I guess it runs in the family.
WADDLES: You damn right!
ROBIN: Ohhhhhhhhh!!! (turns toward the man.) Someone got messed up.
MAN: I heard there was a pretty nice tree yonder across the way.
WADDLES: Really?
ROBIN: What color was it?
MAN: It was (hesitating.)...I didn’t see.
WADDLES: What do you mean you didn’t see?
ROBIN: Yeah, are you blind or something?
MAN: No, I just meant I don’t remember.
WADDLES: Well, it is quite possible to see a tree and forget its color, but not very
likely to remember the color if one has not seen it.
ROBIN: Brilliant!
MAN: What does it matter what color it is?
WADDLES: It very well does matter what color its outer façade holds!
ROBIN: (turns toward the man.) Nuke! Mental wreck!
WADDLES: It is inherent in human nature to judge the substance of a tree by its outer
resemblance. We are groomed by the School System to follow the path to greatness, yet, in our quest, we undoubtedly measure certain striking qualities in a capricious manner.
ROBIN: (excitedly.) Exactly!
MAN: Aren’t all trees the same color?
ROBIN: Yeah, that’s what I thought!
WADDLES: (angrily.) Fools! There are innumerable colors of trees about the world.
Redwood trees are red. There are brown trees. When it snows there are white trees. In smog-filled cities there are black trees. When there’s acid rain there are yellow trees. See our world is filled with an incredible palette of shades.
ROBIN: Yeah! You’re right!
MAN: But aren’t all the trees the same inside?
ROBIN: A tree is a tree is a tree.
WADDLES: NO! The inner substance of a tree is variant within each entity. And some
are greater in essence than others. Some trees are strong and sturdy. Others are weak and brittle.
ROBIN: I agree. You never cease to amaze me!
MAN: But every tree is derived from the same beginnings. Cells are the basic
constructive force of all living, breathing creations.
ROBIN: (confused.) Trees can breathe?
MAN: Even trees respire. Everyone knows that!
WADDLES: Please excuse my dear friend. He doesn’t understand that though
photosynthesis produces key carbohydrate components such as glucose, respiration is a required process for the cyclic nature of life. Glycolysis, the first stage of aerobic respiration in eukaryotic organisms, is in fact the most ancient method of producing energy.
ROBIN: Why you really are a genius.
MAN: Thank you for proving my point.
WADDLES: (realizing his miscue.) WHAT!?!? That proves nothing! Except for the
fact that while we all come from the same beginnings, we are in fact different. Every tree is born under different circumstances and lives in different conditions. These absolutely correlate with the socioeconomic status of families of sprouting trees, which in turn impact the future success of these entities.
MAN: So, are you saying that some trees are better than others?
ROBIN: (to Waddles.) Yeah, is that what you’re saying?
WADDLES: You damn right that’s what I’m saying! The School System dictates to us
the code of ethics we must follow. It clearly understands the deficiency of entire races of trees. It is a fact of life that many of these individuals fall far below our definition of adequacy. Everyone knows that the white trees are the best!
ROBIN: White trees are the best. Our pole is white. So it’s the best!
MAN: That’s absolutely absurd. How can the outer color of a tree demonstrate its
ability in the course of its lifetime?
WADDLES: Throughout the course of history we have followed these principles. If we
have succeeded for millions of years, what would be the point of changing now? It is evident that certain races have been subservient through the evolutionary process.
MAN: Why don’t you give me an example or even better, a plausible explanation?
ROBIN: Yeah! Give us an explanation.
WADDLES: Well, everyone knows that the white trees are the best, which I established
just a moment ago. Clearly, the snow shell covering our exterior makes us the best. Without it we would be nothing...
ROBIN: ...(interrupting.) Why do you say ‘we?’
WADDLES: I meant the white trees.
MAN: (sarcastically.) Of course you did.
WADDLES: (continuing on from before.) ...Like I said before I was so rudely
interrupted, the white trees are the best. Who wants a black tree anyway? They are ugly and stupid...
ROBIN: ...(interrupting.) How can a tree be stupid?
MAN: (staring at Waddles.) That’s a good question.
WADDLES: (continuing on from before.) ...Furthermore, those redwood trees are red,
and should be pent-up in a cage or something. Who wants a red tree these days, anyway?...
ROBIN: ...(interrupting.) What would be the point of caging up trees?
MAN: (remains staring at Waddles.) That’s a good question.
WADDLES: (continuing on from before.) ...Likewise, those brown and yellow trees are
useless. There are just too many of them to count and they’re all so smart, a couple of billion, plus or minus a few million...
ROBIN: ...(interrupting.) Is there really that much acid rain?
MAN: (remains staring at Waddles.) That’s a good question.
WADDLES: (continuing on from before) ...Consequently, it can be surmised that white
trees are the best.
ROBIN: Yeah! White trees are the best!
MAN: (sincerely.) Your entire case is founded on a ridiculous foundation of biased
conditions. Who actually sets this bar of standards you refer to?...
ROBIN: (interrupting.) ...The School System of course!
MAN: (resuming.) That’s ridiculous! You cannot manipulate generalizations into true
laws of nature. Some black trees are probably ugly and stupid, and maybe some red trees should be caged up, and likewise, undoubtedly there are some smart brown and yellow trees, and some white trees might be sheltered because of years of superiority. But, there are probably white trees that are poor, and brown and yellow trees that are stupid, and red trees that are civilized, and black trees that are influential. Just because society tells you one thing doesn’t mean that it is actually true...
ROBIN: (whining.) I wanna leave!
WADDLES: (angrily.) We can’t!
ROBIN: Why not?
WADDLES: We’re waiting for the school bus!
ROBIN: (despairingly). Ah! (Pause.) You’re sure it was here?
WADDLES: What?
ROBIN: That we were supposed to wait here.
WADDLES: They said by this telephone pole. (They look at the pole.)
ROBIN: Who did?
WADDLES: Why the school bus driver of course!
ROBIN: Oh. (He looks at the pole again.) Are you sure it was this pole?
WADDLES: What other telephone pole could it be?
MAN: Ha! See! I told you so. Already in your past twelve sentences you have made
two fatal errors. First of all, you listened solely to a bus driver, whom you probably haven’t even met before. You are in actuality referring to the many generations of past children who have told you that this is the bus stop. How can you be for sure? You can’t, that’s the problem. Listening to folklore can be disastrous. Secondly, I told you already that there was a nice pole across the town. If there are two, then logic tells us that there can’t be one. There might be more than two, which could include three, four, ten, or a hundred, but not one. Your pole is just one tree of many. Human thought therefore should be listened to rather than human desire.
ROBIN: (confused.) That doesn’t make any sense!
WADDLES: By far, our existence on this earth is dictated by a greater force, a divine
power which dominates every aspect of our lives. Every tree begins as a seed, and then rears its ugly head, growing into a self-dominant entity. We would be better off if only seeds existed on our bitter planet. Indubitably, some seeds are born more profound than others. My God tells me that I must believe! I must believe that my race is the greatest, greater than all others. If I must step upon the lowly to seize a higher position, I must do so.
(A surprisingly loud hum is heard in the near distance)
ROBIN: (frightened) What’s that?
MAN: (to the audience.) I relinquish hope. Some people stubbornly adhere to their
beliefs and cannot be persuaded, even with reason and logic, that their convictions are falsely held.
(Another even louder hum is heard, very near this time. Suddenly, a green bus comes into view.)
ROBIN: There’s our bus! We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of...
(The bus suddenly swerves in the direction of the telephone pole.)
MAN: Hey, it’s coming right at us!
WADDLES: (doesn’t hear).....
ROBIN: Ahhhhhhh!!!
MAN: Now we will truly meet our maker!
ROBIN: The School Board!
WADDLES: (in a trance.).....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SCENE 4:
(Within an instant the green bus crashes into the telephone pole with an astounding flash of fire and twisted metal. The wooden pole, covered with white snow, is shattered into a myriad of scorched fragments, with only a single column remaining standing. These black pieces litter the street, lying as the only remaining victors of this desolate battle. Both Robin and the Man are nowhere to be found. Waddles emerges as the only survivor from this devastating collision, oblivious to the devastation around him.)
WADDLES: (sinking into oblivion.) I see the world before me. Me a human. Humans
as true champions of the world. The world a place of sorrow. Sorrow the only feeling left to be endured. Endured as a matter of great significance. Significance only to be felt by the masses. Masses of people, people like me. Me, a man of dignity, destroyed by hidden impulses. Impulses of societal influence. Influencing even the most brilliant of men. Men, bigots by nature and by destiny. Destiny denies us eternally. Eternal sorrow signals our demise. Demise is the word which proves deleterious. Deleterious is bad. Bad men roam the planet. Planets are numerous among the universe. Universal can be a bad word. Words are the stones which break the backs of the strong...
(An ominous creak can be heard from the remaining splinter of wood standing in place of the once towering snow covered pole.)
WADDLES: (utterly lost, fallen into a world all his own.) ...Fighting hating blindly
attacking the world acquiring knowledge of one thing hate hate for the different people like them them are others not like us at all loathed by their betters hidden treachery final like an ultimatum the mind raped joy in this revulsion terror in his strength degradation of the soul humiliation in the fiercest sense potential power groundless certainty murderous motives attempt to learn the core of human fears light focusing in the middle of my eyes it frightens me to believe these abstract themes a bond of unreasoning finality dangerous a necessity to destroy or be destroyed totally selfless interests strange in formulating abstract convictions profound ideals drawing upon spiritual capacities God drinking and having a good time clouds upon clouds of laughter laughing at the anti-social nature of our world a rotten trick played upon the transcendental nature of nature let all stagnate our brethren will suffer all illusions and no virtue left to speak of...
(Suddenly, the remaining splinter of wood shudders, splits, and then falls upon the lonely Waddles, crushing him into the oblivion whence he came.)
(...And then there were none...)
NOTE: Any reference to religion, race, creed, personal image, or public institution has only been utilized for social commentary. Furthermore, it should not be implied that any single religion, race, personal image or occupation is superior to any other.
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