Shelf Control.....

"Something that every one of us will have to do at least once in our lives!"

Hello consumer

Please read this instruction book carefully before allowing yourself to be pulled into the idea that you know what you're doing..That's right, you remember the kitchen sideboard incident, your other half still doesn't know about the scratch in the lino do they?

Thank you for purchasing this unstable mahogany effect shelving unit. This particular piece is from the more popular 'Bits Missing' range. Having opened the box with a sharp object, your next task is to unpack all of the pieces.

You will notice a piece of white paper accompanying this instruction leaflet lying in the top of the box, this has a diagram of all the parts included. If you look very carefully at this piece of paper, you will notice that next to each of the diagrams, there is a signature from one of our employees. This signature proves that the correct part has been placed into the box.

...unless he was late for lunch and decided to just sign it anyway.

You should now have the entire contents of the box laid out in front of you. If however, you have found the box to be void of all contents, ring the 'I don't care about any problem you may have with any of the products you have bought from us' helpline (number should be located on the back of the box somewhere..maybe).

1. Take one 'Screw A (4")', and throw out of living-room window. Take 'Alan Key W' (Alan key), and hide underneath the sofa. Finally take Part F, Side J (shiny surface upwards), and stab screwdriver (not supplied) into top corner, rendering the piece unusable.

2. Remove screws '9' through '16' from the screw bag, and line up against 'part 4' (underside of base). Drill holes (you will need a drill for this bit) into 'part 4' at corners A to E adjacent to the previous holes already made. You will notice holes have already been drilled into this part, you will find them to be too big.

3. Hold up 'part 4' against 'part 5', take 4 of 'Screw A' and use screwdriver to attach pieces together. Very important, if 'part 4' does not screw into 'part 5' with ease, it is essential you hit it repeatedly with a hammer (not supplied). Probably a good idea to make coffee at this point.

4. After having made and drunk coffee, take 'Flat piece AB', and superglue to the 'top right' of part produced in section 3. You will see it looks nothing like the picture. Notice 'Flat piece AB' has a groove down one side. I should have mentioned this before, but ensure groove is face-up when applying glue!.

5. Open 'bag 12', have another go at trying to open 'bag 12', start pulling at 'bag 12' with your teeth, throw 'bag 12' against wall, spend the next two hours picking up all the components of 'bag 12', accidentally stumble across 'Alan Key W', scream blue murder as shelving unit topples onto floor, wake up cat.

6. After putting the cat outside, pick up all parts of shelving unit and place on stable surface. You should have 4 solid wooden elements left in the box. Answer phone. Throw down phone in anger when you realise it's only someone trying to sell you lemon toilet freshener.

9. Produce look of befuddlement as you try to figure out where parts 7 & 8 went.

10. Look at clock and wonder where the last 6 hours have gone. Take pieces 'Shelf unit running out of numbers part 45000127G' and 45000127H' and assemble to previously constructed mess.

11. Stand back in amazement, and marvel upon your creation. Our suggestion is that you place it somewhere that you would benefit most from it. Take the left-over ninety screws and place back in box. Place expensive breakable items on unit, and watch in horror as the mock Tudor lamp bought for you as a wedding present from your oldest friends Linda and Harry falls onto the floor and smashes into a thousand pieces.

12. Remove box and broken lamp from floor, and place in outside bin. Take shelving unit and throw into neighbour's garden. Apologise to your neighbour and offer to replace his greenhouse.

,JP-("But still I fear and still I dare not Laugh at the madman!")

(pkisthebest98@hotmail.com).
Plenty more where this came from!

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Rating: 6.8 out of 4 votes cast