Chapter 1- In the Beginning...

It was in the 57th age of Left-top right-middle-ish Mars that the dark Lord Pastree (pronounced pay-stree) came to power. He had enslaved the inhabitants of the far away land of Big! ™ During a ferocious clash of swords and FIRE! the remaining survivors fought to defend The Keep (Generally situated behind a gate (a rather large gate)). But there was one who dared to sacrifice himself for no particular reason by hurling himself into the flames of Pastree!
Sadly his slightly strange act of bravery was interrupted by migrating giant eagles, the leader of whom was named Giant Eagle, son of a slightly bigger giant eagle, lord of the even further away land of assorted sizes of still rather large eagles. And the eagles swept down upon the hero and offered him the ring of hunger. But they also bestowed upon him a warning: “If you abuse this ring, the fate of that place with a very long name will be not all that much different!” This seemed like a fairly useless warning to the suicidal hero so he put it on anyway, giving him the power to slay the eagle. Little did he know, the eagle was merely part of a scouting party for an army of ten million billion giant eagles (and crows) that were currently closing in on his position.
Lord Pastree looked down upon the eagles and crows through his magical telescope, which had the ability to make objects appear larger than they truly are, which made the giant eagles look really really big! A random bystander cried “What evil is this!” and was then frazzled by the secondary fire mechanism of the telescope which had the incredibly ability to fire directly after the primary weapon! Unfortunately, this was taken as the signal for the uprising of the misguided midgets of the East Coast and their confused companions the not so big sea gulls!
The board was set, the pieces were moving and over on the West Coast a large army of bear-men had arrived in aid of no one in particular, they mainly just fancied a bit of a fight. And a fight they would get, for the inhabitants of Big! ™ came rushing to their saviour’s aid with as much fish as they could carry. What followed was one of the most short-lived and dull battles of all time, which would be later known as the battle of four different groups of people, only it was that rubbish that nobody ever bothered to write about it. Until now!
As the hero of Big! ™ continued his journey to the fires of Pastree, the bear-men began to set up a global economy. A week later they became bored of the economy and decided to join the hero on his quest, so they could dump it in a suitably placed volcano along the way. The giant eagles were not happy with this new alliance and so gathered the giant eagles to go on a quest for their own alliance with those of the not so big forest. Sadly when they arrived at the not so big forest they found no inhabitants, they had been wiped out by the artificially created snow-hurricane-flash-global-flood-warming thing created by Lord Pastree’s secretary of finance.
This disheartened the giant eagles greatly, not only had they lost contact with the hero, but now their only chance of something which would be really cool for them, was buried under 10 feet of snow-hurricane residue. At that very moment, when all was deemed lost, an old man dressed in a pink cloak and holding a shovel appeared exclaiming “Behold me! For I am Kitchen Glove the pink wizard of the North North West Alliance Ltd. Corporation, and I have been sent to aid you in your quest for an overly pointless alliance with just about anyone”. The giant eagles were suspicious of this fruity number, surely he did not mean to raise the army of the dead and a little bit decomposed!
“Yes!” he admitted that this was indeed his plan, also stating that he would buy each of them ale at the nearest pub when it had been done. As the giant eagles considered this generous offer, the bear-men came closer to the enraged volcano, home of the hideous beasts. These beasts were once men, but due to nuclear weapons testing by the government of Beartopia they had been hideously mutated and now possessed three arms, five heads, a very dry sense of humour and holes in their elbows for shooting out red hot laser beams! The bear-men had to proceed with caution; no one had survived a hit from an elbow laser before, especially as they were carrying explosives which could be detonated by a temperature change of just 0.1oC!
Sadly in their haste to approach the volcano they forgot about the volatile explosives they were carrying and 5 minutes later they all spontaneously exploded, killing themselves, the hideous beasts and the economy. NB/ the only reason the hero survived is purely because he got his foot stuck in a rabbit hole and the bear-men, after 2 seconds thought, decided to leave him there with nothing more than a return bus ticket to Middle-of-nowhere-shire.

Currently 8.63/10
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Rating: 8.6 out of 8 votes cast