Hows that for self-esteem?

”God, I know I don’t believe in you that much; I know I sometimes try to hate you, and I convince myself not to pray to you. I know that I pretty much have no faith in anything involving prayer or belief or worship of any kind. But I also know that I USED to pray to you, I used to pray so hard in the middle of the night, with tears running down my face, and blood seeping through cuts and scratches I made myself. I know how I felt then, and the reasons for feeling that way; so I gave up on you completely. But I’m asking for forgiveness now, because I need you. Please…I’m asking…no I’m praying for your forgiveness and for your help. I need you.”
I haven’t any idea as to who I am.
Sometimes I’m mean, sometimes I’m nice. I hate the way I think, the way I feel, the way I act, everything. I’m socially handicapped. I stress out really bad, I’m always scared and lonely and just very unhappy. I don’t think I’ve ever been truly happy, ok sure…maybe once or twice. I’m 16, that’s not a good sign. I think I’m sick, mentally sick or maybe it’s just my heart. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is crashing down on me, that god is punishing me, that he for some weird reason hates me. Sadly, I’ve sometimes hated him too.
I’ve never liked myself, everyone always gave me a reason not to. I have those moments of what they may call beauty within my face, but then it goes away and I see the monster that is so familiar. Sometimes I think of just ending it all, you know the big S word. I mean it would be so much better for everyone, especially me. I’ve cried myself to sleep way too many times to count.
I have to sedate myself just to calm down. Im always nervous, my skin is like the skin of a snake. I don’t know how to take care of myself at all, I have so many medical problems, its amazing I don’t live in a bubble. I don’t know what to do. It’s a big catastrophe. Its so hard, getting up in the morning sometimes, just lying there in my bed, is the safest place I kno. Its away from the judgment, the stares, the disgust. My mind races when im around people. Its amazing that I haven’t tried to overdose, or something over the years, even tho, believe me…I have thought about it numerous times. I don’t see why im here, its hard to imagine that id matter to anyone except maybe my mother.
Happiness is the hardest thing to achieve for me, its like getting to the top of the mountain without any lungs for breathing, impossible. Im missing so much, but I don’t know how to get to it.I try and try, its never enough. I cant do so many things, I have horrible memory, simple things seem hard. Im always doubtful, negative. Its hard to see past the harsh reality Ive been through, and suddenly feel confident. To switch off caring what people thing about me, to ignore all the obvious signs. I don’t understand how it can be this way. Its so unpredictable. I like the dark now, its safer than the light. I can be true, I can be sad, I can talk with knowing no one can hear me. It’s a release, that I really do need. Im so mad, at god, at a lot of people. Im mad at me, for so many things. I cant be enough, not even for myself. Its hard being so many things, that don’t fit into what you want. I know what I want…I want to be taller, slimmer, healthier, smarter, prettier, faster, ect. I want to be the opposite of me. I know I should think this way, I should accept me as I am. I can’t, I refuse to. Being content with myself is as foreign as the feeling of being on the moon. I avoid pictures of myself of when I was younger, I look like a sickly little girl, which I was, from all the skin and asthma and allergy and sinus problems. The medical part of my life seemed to never end, I hated all of it, simply because of the fact that I knew I was not normal, not healthy like so many other children. Instead, I was on the other team, the unhealthy children. I was always bleeding, itching, breaking out, sneezing, and I would pray, pray for it to stop over and over and over again. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, from itching myself until I broke the skin, and feeling so damn overwhelmed with it all, I started crying and pleading with god to just stop it all right then. It did happen of course, it was many years after that I even began to get some relief from it all. I’ve been hospitalized 4 times for asthma attacks, the first time I almost died. Oh, did I tell you I’ve almost died a few times, one time in a river when an undercurrent got me and my mom had to fish me out, the second, I was in a tub with my dad and this woman at a swimming center and I went under but I couldnt come back up, I almost drowned, third was an asthma attack. Unfortunately, I survived all three near death experiences. Its torture to be alive, I feel bad that im alive. There are so many people that would love to be in my position, people with cancer, people that are dead, etc. I don’t understand myself, sometimes I think god keeps people away from me because he knows im not ready, or maybe that’s just an excuse. I want to wake up and be Isabella Swan, girlfriend of Edward Cullen or Jessica Alba, one of the most beautiful woman ever to live, or Allie from the Notebook who has Noah’s heart without question, I just want to be a beautiful girl in love with someone that loves her back harder than anyone else in the universe.
Love…my worst fear is…never finding it, never feeling it, never being consumed by it. I want more anything to be held, to be protected, to be wanted and thought of. On top of not being the pick of the litter, I want the pick of the litter. Im so damn picky…he has to be tall, smart, funny, clean, patient, laid back, kind, successful, etc. Yea right, ill probably end up with the total opposite due to desperation. Desperation can kill. I want so badly to have a relationship with someone…really bad. Its all ive thought about since I was old enough to understand what it was. Then I looked at the mirror and saw the monster everyone else saw…and I wasn’t even comparable to the women that made men fall head over heels for them. I have no power, no body, no brains, nothing to compel them. Absolutely nothing about me is interesting, I can feel it. I try so hard to look at the glass like its half way full then half way empty but that kind of optimism doesn’t come easy to me. Im scarred for life, im very insecure, my mind is a traitor as well as my eyes. I just wanna be perfect in his eyes….the man I fall in love with. It would be a blessing to be loved hard in the first place, but it would be a gift from god to believe myself to be worthy of that love.
People always want what they don’t have. I am no exception. I’ve always wanted to be…well, not me.
My wants…hmm. You know what I want…I want to be slimmer, taller, have long black hair with tiny curls, lips like maria’s, a body like beyonce’s, a mind like oprah, and a man like Edward. I want to be my own bella, I want to be happy with being B, I want to grow up, and be successful, not filthy rich, just a lil bit more than just getting by, I want to live in a gorgeous white house, with great patios, a ton of rooms, a huge kitchen, great beds, a whole library, hammocks, and a heavenly master bedroom. I want to have a boy and girl, I want to name the girl something catchy yet unique…Aziza? The boy? I have no idea yet. I want to have baby smooth skin, with no scars, normal sized hands and feet, a smaller face, better eyebrows, ears that don’t stick out. I want to be a great dancer, a great writer, a great mother, I want to get married to man that can understand me when no one else does, one that doesn’t care what other people think when they see me, I want someone to cuddle up next before I go to sleep, someone that will hold onto me through the night, show me what a woman I am, make fun of me when I deserve it, show me how to cook, not judge my driving, and that knows nothing of my past. I want someone that cant keep his hands off me, tears up at our wedding, can stand my mom, understands my distaste for my sister, doesn’t talk about my father, and can look at me and honestly call what he sees breathtakingly beautiful. I want him to wake me up from my coma, show me exactly what ive been missing for years, tell me he’ll never let go, and cant honestly deny me something I want. I want him to be able to carry me over the threshold on our wedding night, to feed me cake, to take me out for ice cream, to be able to run and jump on him without breaking his back, I want someone tall, someone funny, someone protective over me but not possessive, someone patient, and kind, a dog lover, loves to dance, loves kids, and overall an optimistic. I want to want to grow old, to have a reason to stay right now, I want to be wanted and loved unconditionally, to have a love only fiction books can describe, I want a love that brings women to their knees, tears to their eyes, and hope to their hearts. I want my life to be different than everyone else’s, not heartbreaking, not confusing, not tragic. I want it to be surprising, wholehearted, and more that my imagination can come up with. I’ve seen movies, and read books, to escape my life…but why should I have to escape my life…im not escaping, im trying to run toward one…im bored, im alone, im rotting away on my bed. Im beaten senselessly by a feeling called loneliness.

Im telling you all my problems because I want you to know that im certainly not a perfect person, like Snow White or Cinderella or Bella Swan. I want you to know that im not looking for Prince Charming or a famous hot celeb or even a billionaire (or Edward Cullen, although that would be sweet). Im just looking for someone that looks closely at all my imperfections, all my mistakes, all my decisions, my thoughts, my habits, and still loves the heck out of me.
She was born to be a struggling ugly duckling, and he was born to be a drop dead knockout.
She was sinking, willingly and fast.

Currently 8.17/10
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Rating: 8.2 out of 6 votes cast