Fighting a Monkey Wrench and a Tornado

My life has been a mix of twisted events and experiences, both good and bad... but all mostly twisted in some way shape or form. The bad times always have been close to hitting rock bottom, and the good times being extremely euphoric. Why in life is it so hard to accomplish euphoria, taking every last bit of effort and energy to reach it, but hitting the low end or rock bottom can be achieved effortlessly. It seems to me that there isn't a balance between the two because your bad times never accidentally lead you to find happiness, but striving for happiness seems to lead you to hit a rock wall and spiral down. This isn't always the case, but to me it has been proven to happen over and over. Finally feeling that you have found your place in the world, someplace where there is peace in your life directly and spiritually, suddenly a monkey wrench is thrown right in the middle, daring you to see if you can get through it again. Much of this is a direct effect of some stupid action, but that time always comes just as u felt so close to reaching a point in life that you looked and strived for. It is hard to see through the blur of events that led you there, there is no such thing as falling slowly when your landing hits so hard. The blame falls on you and only you. When you are over the anger of feeling life is against you and finally see that you are the cause of your own anguish, the feelings don't get any better. The feelings then transform into anger towards yourself and a tendency to imprison your thoughts into a part of your mind that they need not be. This is when it is so easy to forget about and let go of the peace and happiness that you had achieved before. The imprints of the good things are there but have become mere shadows of the past. At your weakest point, at the end, is when you ask yourself why you backed down or gave in. Your realization that you allowed yourself to become weak forces you to become stronger. There is a reason to fight, you have been here before and beaten the odds. You become filled with an Armageddon of emotions, creating a strength that won't let you stop and give up. You take that dare, damn near died, then get the fuck back up. ....

Nobody can pull you out of it, or pick you up. The only time anyone can help is when you reach out for them. So you wake back up, and see the light again. It is still a little blurry but you see the parts of your life that are spiritually enlightening and remember that you are actually loved.

To be loved, truly loved by someone that can look past the all the shit you allowed to hit the fan, and still see you through the mess. See you through your anger, fear, and tears. Be able to just look at you, and at that point you know that giving up on yourself isn't the answer for so many reasons.

I have fought really hard to find this place, happy and safe. Yet i know certain strings of events will always to seep into my life to keep testing me. I will always be powerless over my many feelings that twirl around me as if i were standing in the center of a tornado. I am that much stronger to not allow myself to just lay down and let the funnel take me away. However, there is this magnet I seem to have inside me that brings me down and pulls me towards self destruction. I say there is major imbalance, but i don't know if that imbalance is in the world or in myself.

There are those special people that have their own magnets with just enough power to pull you from allowing you to quite reach that last place, or breathe out your last breath. To those people, I owe my life.

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