Sex
“That was
some good sex.”
“Yes, that
was some good sex.”
Ian lifted
the sheets off of himself and sat on the far edge of the bed. He ran his hand
through his hair and lit a cigarette. Ren’s mom slid over to him and brushed
his exposed back.
“I really wish
you wouldn’t smoke.”
“Don’t try
to change me, baby.”
They both
flinched as they heard the sound of the door opening downstairs. Ian put his
cigarette out on his palm and flicked it into the garbage can. He started to
move away when Renwick burst into the room with a stupid grin and his stupid
lunchbox and his stupid backpack.
“Great
news, mom! John Erwin’s beard caught on fire and-”
He stopped
when he saw Ian naked. He shut his eyes, held them closed for several seconds,
then turned and walked out of the bedroom. His puny, feminine voice cracked at
them from the hall.
“The school
board meeting’s canceled.”
Ren’s mom
gasped and brought the sheets to her neck. “Christ! That means Tim’ll be home
soon! You’ve got to get out of here!”
Ian stood
and walked towards the open doorway. “I’m getting a beer.”
The sound
of the downstairs door opening reached them again along with an alien bearded
voice.
“Honey, I’m
home!”
Ren’s mom
scrambled out of bed and grabbed Ian by the waist. “Get the fuck out of here!”
Ian continued toward the door, effortlessly dragging Ren’s mom along with him.
“Ian no function beer well without.”
Tim
materialized at the door holding a briefcase and a folded umbrella.
“Great
news, Ren’s mom! I made partner and-”
His eyes
drifted to the blatantly naked Ian several feet in front of him. Ren’s mom
recoiled backwards and fell onto the bed. Ian wore an expression of pure
apathy.
“Hey.”
Tim dropped
his belongings and began to tremble. His face turned a lovely shade of red and he
clenched his fists together. He brought one back and socked Ian in the face.
It was a
mighty blow. Ian blinked, dazed, then fell backwards onto the naked Ren’s mom.
He awoke
later in a stupor. He quickly noticed that he was still naked and was resting
on a finely padded chair. The cushions felt nice against his exposed ass.
Tim sat
across from him, grasping a goblet of brandy in one hand and resting the other
over an antique revolver on his lap. He noticed Ian’s consciousness, took a sip
of brandy, then set the glass down on the adjacent table.
“Well.
You’re awake.”
Ian moved
around his lips as feeling returned to his mouth.
“Yes. Yes,
I am.”
Tim took
another swig of brandy. “Do you mind telling me why you were in bed with my
wife?”
Ian
shrugged. “It’s a long story[*].”
“Ah.” Tim
nodded. “I’m going to shoot you now.”
“You don’t
need to do that.”
“I insist.”
Tim raised
the revolver and leveled it at Ian’s head. “Any last words?”
“Just two-”
The front
door exploded and Skyler burst in, draped in machine gun rounds and hoisting a
gigantic Gatling gun. He swung the barrel to the direction of Ren’s father, who
had by now dropped his glass of brandy onto his lap and pissed his pants.
“See you in
hell, Tim.”
Skyler shot
Tim for twelve seconds, paused to prevent the gun from overheating, then shot
him for twelve more seconds. Tim collapsed in several different areas
throughout the parlor, his severed arm still clutching the antique revolver.
Skyler dropped the Gatling gun and turned to Ian.
“Shit man,
where you been? John Erwin’s in the burn ward and everyone’s getting him
totally drunk.”
Ian stood,
still naked. “Sounds like my kind of shindig.”
He walked
over to Skyler and hugged him tightly. “Thanks, man.”
“Ain’t no
thang. So what have you been doing?”
“Ren’s
mom.”
“Been
there. C’mon, let’s mosey.”
Skyler n’
Ian high-fived and skipped outside. The parlor became eerily peaceful.
Five
minutes later, Renwick descended the stairs for a glass of milk. As he
returned, Tim’s severed arm twitched, firing the revolver into his back,
killing him instantly.
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