"A Story About Hunting Mermaids"

Daddy was a fisherman all his life.Right up untill
the day he dropped dead,face down,in a lake,drunk as a moose and smoking
a cheap,filterless cigarette.He was a ramblin' two-fisted drinker that'd spit
when he cursed and cursed when he'd spit.He loved the
outdoors..especially after he got married to Ma.When he wasn't
fishin',Daddy was roamin' The Great Piney Woods with his 3 trusty rifles
and 3 trusty pistols killin' critters he decided weren't fit to live.He
had done about blown to hell every furry,4-legged son-of-a-bitchin'
thing known to man,I reckon.He'd come home in the early evening draggin'
a burlap sack of dead critters and Ma would skin'em,gut'em up real nice
and make us a pot of stew for supper.That was livin' back in them
days,critter stew and biscuits.

So Daddy loved the
outdoors and he lived for killin' critters because he hated them and
while he didn't care for land critters he care even less for the
critters that swam in the water.He would stand on the bank of the river
cursin',drinkin' and fishin' all the day long..he'd hook'em,sling'em off
the line onto the land and stomp the hellfire out of 'em,yellin' "Quit
yer floppin' around,you scaly,two-bit sons-a-bitches!!!".Daddy did
that alot!! He became the only man in Arkansas history to be arrested
for "Cruelty To Fish" and he was arrested for that many times over.So Daddy hated fish and killed
them every chance he could,and where he hated fish he hated mermaids
even more so.He was his happiest in mid-Summer when mermaid season
opened.He would take me,his brother Del and his ol' friend Hurl up to
the Big White River to kill us some mermaids.

Now the mermaid problem
began about 19 and 34 when a bunch of 'em swam up the river and started
scarin' the good fish away and crappin' all over place.Back in them
days folks didn't know what to make of the situation but they damned
well didn't like it.After about 2 ruined fishin' seasons the townsfolk
came up with a real simple solution:Start killin' the no-good
sons-a-bitches.So Grandpa and a few of his friends went on down to the
river and took it upon themselves to open the the first mermaid
season....and they blasted the damned things to hell and
back..killin' em right and left.Since there were still plenty of'em to
kill,lots of folks showed up that day and many a mermaid got blown to
fishbait.Some thought maybe mermaids would be good eatin' so they drug a
couple a' scaly carcasses up to the diner to see if they'd be any good
for somethin'....but it weren't no use none...they tried
bakin'em,fryin'em,stuffin'em and Grandpa even tried to make a bunch a'
mermaid steaks,but all for nothin'.It turns out mermaids is nothin' but
trash fish and needed to killed even more,so Grandpa and the rest of
them folk set out to blastin' the mermaids to hell even more.Daddy was
growin' up then and started a' huntin' and just like Grandpa he realized
mermaids weren't much worth a damn.He told me more than once "My first
day out on the river I showed up a' bunch of them menfolk by killin' 25
of them slimy bastards in a row...my gun barrel was so hot I went up to a
pile a' mermaid guts and fried a heart with it.....then..just to show
them old folks I meant business I kicked that ol' fried mermaid heart
all the way to town!!"...and so that's how it was every mermaid season.

Well,some years passed
and the folks just went about their business every summer of shootin'
mermaids to pieces.Grandpa croaked at a fried chicken social...he sat
their for quite a spell before they realized he was deader than a
rock.Daddy got sent away to the big house after I was born..I believe it
was for beatin' a Salvation Army volunteer half to death,runnin' down a
Postman and cruelty to fish all in one day.Changes swept through our
little town and some strangers showed up that caught wind of our mermaid
problem and thought maybe killin' 'em wasn't such a good idea.They were the college kids,and
according to Daddy they were lazy,dirty,good-for-nothin',scraggly
long-haired sons-a-bitches.He would tell me,"See there,Son,..see what
ALL that fancy book learnin' will get ya??? Not a damned thing..not a
damned thing!!!".These kids came to town to save them mermaids and build
them a special place on the river.They camped out there,beatin' on
drums and singin'..they raised so much hell that after one year mermaid
season was closed and a home was built for 'em out by the water.

That didn't stay that
way for long though....the folks just got tired of all the drum-beatin'
and the damned mermaids cloggin' up the good fishin' spots.Daddy got out
of the big house and couldn't wait to go kill him some mermaids and
when he found out the news he did the only thing he could think of:he
went out to that hippie camp,burnt their big ol' flowery bus down and
drove it off a cliff...then he chased every one of them dirty
sons-a-bitches out of town with a stick and a couple of guns.Them
hippies were tryin' to tell him that the mermaids were our brothers and
sisters...Daddy told'em right off "Listen here,you scroungy loaf 'a rat
hair,I ain't got no sister and my brother sure as hell ain't no
slimy,son-of a bitchin' mermaid.Mermaids' ain't no one's
friend...mermaids is greasy,no good trash fish!!".Two days later the
game warden went down to the river,slipped on a heap of mermaid crap and
yelled "Okay,that's it!!!".

With them hippies gone
and the mermaids takin' over the river everyone knew it was time for a
new plan..a plan that involved killin' mermaids like they ain't never
been killed before.

So Daddy got everyone
together,..men,women and children and marched down to the river with
guns and pipes and fireworks,gas
cans,sticks,bats,bricks,hammers,rakes,pitchforks,fire pokers..damned
near anything they could find and started the greatest mermaid killin'
ever seen.My Daddy yelled,"Go straight to hell,you slimy,no-good trash
fish sons-a-bitches!!" and started blastin' them critters right and
left.Daddy said it was like a thousand birthday parties all rolled into
one.Out on the rocks the guts piled up 6 feet and at the end of the day
the Sheriff declared now and forever that mermaids is trash fish and
trash fish ain't a' good for nothin' but killin'.So everything was set
back to normal.

Now most of them old
folks are gone,but every mid-summer it's just like the good ol' days:the
fishin' is good and there are plenty a' them mermaids to blast to hell
and back.

Currently 9.75/10
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Rating: 9.8 out of 20 votes cast