“The Adventures of Candizzle”
Parody of Candide written by Anand SelvamCANDIZZLE: A good-natured young man whose fickle nature serves as a conductor for the dynamic views of his companions
GANDHISIMO: The consummate civil rights activist, whose optimistic outlook on life overcomes all obstacles in his path
PENGUIN: A xenophobic penguin who hails from the dark regions of the South Pole
SCOBBES: An Extremely cynical, pessimistic philosopher who bemoans the misery of the human existence
BALL: An animated soccer ball whose heart is desired by many
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SETTING: A crowded soccer stadium in Barcelona, where Candizzle and his personal professor, Gandhisimo are discussing the finer points of the soccer match and in fact, life itself.
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CANDIZZLE: What did you say your degree was in anyway?
GANDHISIMO: I don’t have a strict one as in a university degree.
CANDIZZLE: Yea, but didn’t the College of Disestablishmentarianism grant you an honorary degree.
GANDHISIMO: Well, as a matter of fact, yes. Supposedly, I’m the only one in the
universe with the Degree of Osteopathic-Pharmacological-Paleontologic-Metaphysico-Psychological-Environmental-Theologico-Cosmanotology.
CANDIZZLE: That is surely a feat of unbelievable brilliance. I’ve never truly understood your genius.
GANDHISIMO: My son, you know better than to speak so foolishly. It is certain that I have been placed on this earth to receive such a degree…
CANDIZZLE: (cutting his teacher off) Even though no such degree exists?
GANDHISIMO: (not in the least agitated) While it may seem that all the world applauds my intellectual successes, you must understand that the grass always looks greener on the other side.
CANDIZZLE: (truly puzzled) But isn’t that a cliché?
GANDHISIMO: Of course it is. Clichés are clichés for a reason. They are the words easily accessible to the common man who fails to enjoy the art of thinking.
(Meanwhile, one of the soccer teams scores a miraculous goal in overtime, sending the already raucous fans into complete hysteria.)
CANDIZZLE: (quite excited) So did that goal really have it’s own place in our cosmic balance?
GANDHISIMO: (continues on in a soft voice, almost drowned out by the clamor) Most definitely. It is as if this very event was written upon the sky. The stars do not necessarily depict this, but our world was created to be the best that it could be.
CANDIZZLE: But wouldn’t it be better to score two goals? Or three? Or four? Or a thousand?
GANDHISIMO: (slightly distressed) You do not seem to understand. This lifetime, this year, this day, and in fact this very moment, are all the best possible lifetimes, years, days, and moments that they could possibly be. They cannot be better, because they are the best. You are merely scrutinizing this goal under different premises, perhaps ones indoctrinated unto you by society. While on another day scoring more goals would be the best it could be, scoring this single goal in overtime is the ultimate success of the moment.
(Just as Gandhisimo is finishing his lecture, a multi-colored U.F.O suddenly appears over the stadium and hovers for a few moments before unleashing a giant ray of fire across one side of the stands. About 120,000 people are incinerated instantly. The remaining individuals who are standing [which includes everyone besides Candizzle and Gandhisimo] are sucked into the underbelly of the U.F.O. All of this occurs within five seconds of the mysterious interstellar vehicle’s arrival.)
CANDIZZLE: (lamenting the unfortunate turn of events) Oh, what a horrible day this has turned into. You had just proven to me that this was the best possible day that it could be.
GANDHISIMO: (as if nothing has happened) Yes, that is true. It is still true.
CANDIZZLE: (incredulous) But…But…over a hundred thousand people have been burned alive. Their ashes are fluttering about our faces right now. And everyone else in the stadium was sucked into that spaceship. How could this day be any worse?
GANDHISIMO: If all two-hundred thousand people had been burned alive, then those individuals sucked into the unidentified flying object wouldn’t have had the luxury of taking an interplanetary voyage.
CANDIZZLE: That does make sense, now that I think about it.
GANDHISIMO: Of course it does.
(At this moment, the soccer ball that had been in the field of play when the U.F.O sucked it up and then spit it out, lands at the feet of Candizzle and Gandhisimo.)
BALL: At least someone’s left to take care of me. I can’t believe everyone just got up and left like that.
CANDIZZLE: (eyes glowing at the new, bright white, soccer ball) Of course we’ll take care of you. It’s been such a…...day, that that would be the least we could do.
GANDHISIMO: Why it seems to be your fate to be with us on this splendid day.
CANDIZZLE: (almost in a daze, he grabs the ball and hugs it passionately) I’ve been wishing for a beautiful soccer ball to spend the rest of my life with.
GANDHISIMO: You appear to be quite enamored with our new friend, who is likely made of some kind of plastic material.
(Suddenly, a stumpy looking object falls from the sky and lands in the middle of the field. It is an extremely rotund penguin that does not seem able to right itself. All three individuals stare at the unfortunate creature, which struggles to attain its former hulking figure.)
CANDIZZLE: Gandhisimo, why aren’t you using your powers to help this poor animal? I thought you were trained as an official Civil Rights Activist.
GANDHISIMO: Yes; actually I am often regarded as the Father of all Civil Rights Activists because of my unshakable vigor in pursuing the rights of others.
BALL: Then why are you waiting here while that penguin-type creature is suffering such a humiliating fate?
GANDHISIMO: You have the correct point, but you are not proving it correctly. It is true that the penguin’s fate is such as it is at this very moment. That is exactly why I am going to wait here to see what happens. You must remember that this is the best possible day that the penguin can have; therefore, we must let him enjoy it to its fullest.
BALL: That’s a bunch of bologna!
GANDHISIMO: Actually, I don’t see the large pile of lunchmeat that you speak of. Perhaps you are mistaking the heaps of rotting human flesh for such.
(With a sudden gust of wind, several large bones, presumably femurs of exceptionally well-built males, begin pummeling the penguin who still lies prostrate. Finally, one of the calcified objects makes direct contact with the penguin’s side and causes him to tumble for several hundred yards. Once he reaches his feet, he immediately begins waddling through the stands towards Candizzle, Gandhisimo, and Ball.)
PENGUIN: Where am I? Why is it so hot here? Why is it so sunny? Why isn’t there any snow or ice to help me get to my feet?
BALL: (pries himself from Candizzle who has in the past few minutes grown inseparable from it) I really like you guys and all, but I don’t think my Maker would appreciate me hanging out with such unathletic people. I had better go find some soccer star that’s closer to my hierarchical status.
(Upon this rash statement, the Ball takes flight into the air and is subsequently sucked in by the U.F.O, which still hovers ominously above.)
CANDIZZLE: (almost in tears) Oh, no! I can’t believe it! My dearest love has been taken from me! What will I do?
GANDHISIMO: (quite perturbed) Candizzle, please understand that this is the best fate that could possibly beset you. However, it is upsetting that our friend the Ball did not believe his present fate was the best that could befall him. (stands up) I must continue to assert the truths inherent in our existence.....
(After he stands up, the U.F.O. pulls Gandhisimo into the air. However, before he reaches the flying object, it incinerates him, and then sucks in the ashes that remain.)
CANDIZZLE: (entirely broken down and now actually crying) This day has truly been witness to the most horrible of horrors. I know my teacher would not want me to mourn his death this way and so I must continue on, but I will never forget his death.
PENGUIN: I know I won’t forget this day either. I have suffered quite a bit of sunburn. My skin is liable to peel off whole at any moment.
CANDIZZLE: Haven’t you ever been outside before? You act like you live in the South Pole or something!
PENGUIN: Did you say the South Pole? You’ve been to the South Pole before? Do you know how to get there?
CANDIZZLE: Umm....I suppose I know where it is. I’ve never been there before, but I guess the shortest way to reach there would be to head south. By the way, what made you think of coming here?
PENGUIN: (sneering menacingly) Why would I ever want to come to such a pitiable place such as this? This is the most God-forsaken land on this planet. I don’t know how anyone could live here. That horrible machine-type-thing just came and lifted me while I was tobogganing on my stomach. What’s worse was that on the flyer, there were all these stupid, foreign people speaking all these stupid, foreign languages. I just couldn’t understand them. Oh, how I wish to hear the gentle squawking of my friends once again.
CANDIZZLE: I too wish that this day would end. Maybe we can find happiness somewhere else.
PENGUIN: As long as we end up in the South Pole and don’t have to see so many odd people, I’m willing to go along with you.
(Candizzle and the Penguin make their way out of the burning stadium, which reeks of the burnt and decaying flesh of human bodies. The two new companions suffer a long and arduous journey that takes them through nearly every country in the Eastern world. After almost three months of continuous hiking, the Penguin is quite emaciated and Candizzle has gained a most enviable tan. Luckily, they reach a city.)
CANDIZZLE: It seems that we have reached Istanbul. We are almost nearer to the South Pole than when we started. Unfortunately, you have seemed to lose quite a bit of weight.
PENGUIN: Shut up “darkie”! Maybe if you fed me some high quality fish I wouldn’t be so bony.
CANDIZZLE: (slipping into another character) Yo! You can’t be talkin’ to me like that man. I am the Sultan of Swahili, the King of Crunch, and I put the shizzle in doggy-fizzle televizzle.
PENGUIN: (truly surprised) I’m sure I didn’t put any of that strychnine in your water this time.
CANDIZZLE: (snapping out of his trance) Oh, I don’t know what has gotten into me. It must be a sign. We must find another companion to help us on our journey. Let’s hold a contest of some kind to decide who will get to go with us.
(Candizzle and the Penguin search all through Istanbul to find a suitable candidate. Each individual must state why he believes that he deserves to go on the trip. The winning argument is as follows: ...)
SCOBBES: In our present situation within this universe, we have been born without any choice but pain. Our choices are multifold, but they never end in but a single plane of utter despair. Humans are meant to suffer. Our lifes are spared today to merely make us suffer even more as we await the cruel fates that will inevitably befall us. Remember that our Creator is but a toymaker. He only makes toys to satiate his wish to see them broken. Such is our existence. We were meant to be made. There is no question in that. But it is also true that we were meant to be destroyed. I do not mean to die a death of old age, peaceably in our beds. I mean that we are to suffer a life of continuous defeats. We will see about us the deaths of thousands and perhaps millions. They will die by every means possible. This will show us that our fates, while taking many paths, will ultimately reach the same end. We will see people die by the axe, by the hurricane, by wildfires, by man-made fires, by falling rocks, by trampling elephants, by firearms, by the unseen arms of unidentified flying objects, by hanging, by the occassional asteroid, by a tidal wave, by the tipping of a cow, by an earthquake, by a nuclear weapon, by sword, and perhaps even by a rolling penguin.
CANDIZZLE: Wow. You are brilliant. After my present experiences, I very much believe that you are right. However, I do not think my former professor would agree with you on very many points.
PENGUIN: I like this guy. He respects us for who we are.
SCOBBES: Well, actually I don’t like you, but I also don’t hate you. I cannot waste energy loving or hating, when it all doesn’t matter in the end. Why should I expend emotional fuel, when those individuals will eventually suffer horrible deaths?
CANDIZZLE: That’s a good question. I think we had better continue on our trek if we are ever to find the meaning of life and....
PENGUIN: (interjecting) The South Pole!
SCOBBES: We will go wherever the wind carries us. That should be our quest. To neither suffer the agony of love nor wallow in the beauty of hate; that should be our ultimate goal.
(The trio makes its way through the Himalayas and soon, meaning after several more months, reaches the foot of Mount Everest.)
PENGUIN: (excitedly) Oh, I can feel the chilly draft from here! We must continue on to the top. Maybe then we’ll reach the South Pole.
CANDIZZLE: (puzzled) Maybe so.
SCOBBES: Why do you care so much where we end up? It doesn’t really matter, if you think about the grand scheme of things.
CANDIZZLE: Of course not.
PENGUIN: But I see snow! I want to go visit the snow again! Hopefully all of my protective blubber hasn’t deteriorated.
(The already weary group attempts to scale the nearly thirty-thousand feet of this mammoth mountain. After approximately three weeks, plus or minus seven-and-one-half, they reached the peak of the mountain. On their way, they manage to create a rope-and-pulley system and find a llama pack to help them carry their belongings. Upon reaching the pinnacle, they stumble upon a most incredible site. There appears to be an almost perfect replica of Gandhisimo, though quite frozen and hunched over. Beside him there is a ragged looking soccer ball, which looks strikingly similar to Candizzle’s former paramour. However, even in this ridiculously harsh environment, it is obvious that the Ball has been through numerous trials and tribulations, and is evident in the grime covering the tatters of what was once a beautiful sphere.)
CANDIZZLE: (bursting into tears) My dear professor and my beloved have both come back to haunt me. What have I done wrong in my previous lifetimes to suffer such a miserable fate?
PENGUIN: Real snow at last! I mean real snow is only truly enjoyed at temperatures of one-hundred degrees or more below zero.
SCOBBES: And I thought all the stories they have been telling me were lies. Well actually, they said that they died. So I guess they lied after all.
GANDHISIMO: You have not even tapped me on the shoulder and you have all already pronounced me dead. How inconsiderate of you. I suppose I must suffer these injustices with a tight lip.
CANDIZZLE: But...But...I saw you burst into flames and turn into ash.
GANDHISIMO: Yes, that is what you saw. And that is what happened. However, you have failed to reason the entire situation through. If I am here talking to you now, then that means that I obviously survived the encounter, but it is also true that you saw me turn into ash. Nevertheless, I am not dead. Actually, that day of the soccer match was the best day it could possibly be. After being incinerated, I was freeze-dried and kept in a refrigerator onboard the spacecraft. The other individuals on the spacecraft were all eventually dumped into the middle of the ocean, with no land within a hundred miles. They all drowned. Actually, there was an emergency life-boat button (occupancy 300,000) in the refrigerator I was staying in, but I decided not to push it. It was certainly the fate that those individuals would have to endure. It was all for the best. If you’re wondering how I managed to remerge from my powdered, freeze-dried state, you must remember that I am the only person in the universe with a degree in Osteopathic-Pharmacological-Paleontologic-Metaphysico-Psychological-Environmental-Theologico-Cosmanotology. It certainly came in good use, because I remembered an obscure procedure that called forth the ancient spirits of the Inca warriors and combined ice crystals from Mars and gas from Saturn’s rings to help reassemble my former self. Once I emerged, the alien beings of the spacecraft were amazed at my resourcefulness. They wished to see if I could survive in the most inhospitable place they had thus far encountered on our planet. Of course, they had to drop me on top of Mount Everest, of all places. But apparently it’s all worked out for the best.
CANDIZZLE: You have certainly suffered the most disastrous events that any being could possibly endure.
BALL: (seems to have regained consciousness after listening to Gandhisimo) What!? Do you know what I have been through?
CANDIZZLE: Oh my dearest love! I can’t imagine all that you have suffered. I’ve loved you all this time and I have searched the entire world for but a single glimpse of you.
BALL: (not in any way pleased) Oh, is that so? I’ve been to “you-know-where” and back! After being sucked into that spaceship, all I knew was pain and suffering.
SCOBBES: See! I told you that’s all that we will suffer! (After this triumph he goes to the edge of the precipice and gazes upon the depths below.)
BALL: (continues on) All one hundred and fifty thousand of those brutes were kicking me around for about three weeks. Night and Day they kicked me in the head. Usually I enjoy the thrill, but being beating senseless is not so enjoyable. They even had a schedule and shifts for the games they would play with me because there were so many people and only one of me. After three weeks of this, it was finally good riddance. While I could float in the ocean, everyone around me was fighting for a grip. It was a fight for survival so to speak. I was pummeled for another few days as I was torn from one pair of hands to another. Finally, one man decided that if I wasn’t going to help him stay afloat, no one was going to use me to stay afloat. He gashed me from end to end and I could barely manage to go under. After nearly a year, I finally reached the beach of some holy island. A kid picked me up and stitched me so that he could kick me around. It felt good to be on the sand again, with air in me to roll. However, this was not to last very long. Several weeks later, a pirate ship arrived and I was stolen away. They found me very suitable to stuff money and other valuables in. Unfortunately, this required them to cut me open again. While they stitched me back up, I was weighed down by so many gold coins. Eventually, during a raid, I ended up being thrown overboard. I sunk straight to the bottom. After a few more weeks, I was eaten by a large tuna fish (nearly 900 pounds). I started to deteriorate as the stomach enzymes continually processed me. Once again, by some stroke of luck, the tuna fish whose stomach I then inhabited, was caught by a fisherman off the coast of India. After being chopped up, fried, and nearly eaten by a local family, I managed to squirm a bit to catch their attention. You must remember that I lost my voice after about a week of flying aboard the spaceship. Well, anyway, I was sold for a pretty penny at a bizarre. My new owner was a famous sherpa and he tried to piece me back together as best he could. As you can imagine, he eventually took a group up to the summit of Everest and I was his joy and comfort during the harsh journey. However, at the peak, one of his good friends fell off the side of the mountain and he left me in remembrance of his comrade. And so I am here, with no one to love me anymore.
CANDIZZLE: I can’t believe that you have had to overcome so many obstacles. I am sorry that I underestimated your suffering. You must understand that I will love you forever, no matter what condition you may be in.
(During these lengthy tales, the Penguin has been hopping madly at the very highest point of the summit. However, a large gust of wind buffets his now wiry [relatively speaking] frame and knocks him into rolling position. He gains speed as he rolls down the side of the mountain and crashes directly into Scobbes, who is still peering over the ledge. Scobbes is then knocked headlong off the precipice, only hanging by several threads of his mountain-climbing rope. The Penguin manages to remain on the ledge. Candizzle and Penguin rush to the ledge as if to help their fallen comrade.)
GANDHISIMO: (calling out to his pupils) Stop where you are! Have you not remembered a single thing that I have taught you? He has fallen, but clearly our Creator has had a reason for this event. Because this is the best of all possible days that this day can be, then we must let the course of events pass as they may.
CANDIZZLE: (torn between the philosophy he knows so well and his more human instincts) But he’s still alive! He’s only hanging by a few threads of wire. We still have a chance to save him.
SCOBBES: (can be heard from below) I am ready to die. I knew this would eventually happen. But it would be nice for someone to pull me up since it would be quite easily accomplished. I know that I will die a gruesome death, but why die now when I can die later.
CANDIZZLE: See. He wants us to pull him up. It won’t take more than a few minutes. I’m sure that I can even do it by myself.
GANDHISIMO: You will do no such thing. We must take the honorable course of action. We will wait here until what will happen happens.
PENGUIN: What’s going to happen?
GANDHISIMO: How am I supposed to know? It’s not a matter of feeling bad or not. It’s merely the best day possible. We must enjoy it. Now let’s all just calm down and wait things out.
(After nearly two weeks, the last strands of the rope holding Scobbes from certain death are heard to be straining. After the rope finally snaps, the now smaller group waits and listens for the hitting of the bottom. It never comes.)
GANDHISIMO: See! We didn’t even hear him hit bottom yet. He’s probably alive still. Maybe he’s in free-fall, or maybe he found a niche somewhere in the rocks to cling onto. I guess we’ll just have to wait here and see what happens.
PENGUIN: That’s a great idea! I love it here. It’s almost as great as the South Pole. The only problem is that there are no fish here.
BALL: How about we build an igloo?
PENGUIN: That’s another great idea!
CANDIZZLE: It is liable to get pretty chilly up here.
PENGUIN: Look at this nice rock I found. We can collect these and put them around our igloo.
BALL: That’s the first rock garden I’ve seen really put into practice.
CANDIZZLE: I say, why don’t we get started right away.
GANDHISIMO: It seems that we have found something to fulfill our lives with. Let us bear witness to the events that will proceed from this moment.
(After several weeks of feverish work, they group succeeds in finishing a large igloo, quite to the satisfaction of the Penguin. After this, they all settle down to cultivate their rock garden for long periods at a time. For them, the rocks seem to grow with each passing day, and so their ambitions and desires for inner-peace are also equally augmented.)
Rating: 6.5 out of 6 votes cast
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