Caveman II

Caveman.....Part Deux
Matt the caveman once again. My last report gave
a broad view of day-to-day Cro-Magnon life. I initiated writing a description of political structure when I was taken from my toil by a curious occurence. I was preparing my report in the privacy of a secluded cave a few hundred metres upslope from our settlement. A penguin flew into the cave. Penguins are blessed with tremendous wingspans and are known as nature’s most graceful fliers. As the penguin flew into the cave, there was a brilliant flash. I found myself hurtling through a tunnel of light. Observably, the penguin and I had entered a randomly occurring rift in the space-time continuum. Flying through the tunnel of light, I realized we were traveling to the future. Space-time continuum rifts are a subject I have
considered. I know them to occur relatively infrequently. They are caused by the convergence of a quorum of light particles(aka – photons), the magnetic activity of certain rock formations, and the variance of gravity caused by lunar influence on our planet. As I’m sure you know, elementary laws of applicable physics clearly dictate that the penguin and I would be in the future for 24 hours, the length of time it takes for the sun to travel around the earth. Afterward, we would then be brought back to our own time.
The journey through the tunnel of light ended with me
seated in the car of an amusement known as a roller-coaster. Next to me was a large, gorgeous man. He introduced himself as Fabio. The penguin struck Fabio in the head as it flew away. Fabio began bleeding profusely from the wound inflicted by the penguin. Fabio asked “Was that a flying penguin?” An odd question, what other kind of penguin was there. The blow must have confused him. I answered him using a slow, sure voice “Yes, Fabio, it was a penguin. Are you ok, can I get you some eel slime for your cut?” He
looked at me and asked “Are you aCro-Magnon man somehow transplanted to the future for 24 hours?” Again, an odd question, his grasp of the obvious seemed in tact, but barely. “Yes Fabio I am a Cro-Magnon, how are you?” “Good”he replied.
As we exited the roller-coaster, a throng of populace rushed to the aid of my new friend. He must be someone of great importance. A great leader perhaps. There were hundreds of flashes from what Fabio would later explain were cameras. Although my garb was incongruous with current custom, I was largely unnoticed. Fabio grabbed me and we ran through a maze of blinking lights, loud voices,
enticing smells, and active machines of all shapes and
sizes. Fabio guided me into what he called “his ride”. A 64 Vette, apparently, a ride of some esteem. Fabio entered the Vette and started the engine, it was amazing. He then began moving rapidly. We were surrounded by a tremendous number of similar transport devices traveling at high speeds along massive, human constructed pathways. Incredible achievements.
As we drove, Fabio pointed out enormous buildings
called skyscrapers. These buildings are several hundred feet tall and contain thousands of people. I can see how such marvels could be constructed as long as attention was given to a foundation capable of bearing the weights involved. He pointed out airplanes. Those flying machines carried hundreds of people. Interesting. I can see that if
light enough materials were employed, the air pressure under the wings of the craft would exceed the above air pressure and the craft would rise. I asked how these machines are powered. He explained that many countries produce oil that can be made into fuel for cars,boats, and planes. I asked how they acquired oil from these countries. He said they bomb them.
The sun just then emerged from the clouds; this is
when Fabio did something amazing. A moment I shall
remember forever. He reached to his garb and produced
sunglasses. “Where were you keeping those?” I asked
with my voice reflecting insistence. “In my pocket.”
he answered. I demanded he show me. What I am about
to tell is true. On Fabio’s garb was an extra piece
of material sewn on separately. An opening allowed
items to be stored. This was pockets. I could only
imagine the ensuing adulation when I returned home
with the invention of pockets.
We arrived at Fabio’s large home. Inside, Fabio
introduced me to his livestock, Rover and Benji. Fabio
went to clean up and told me to help myself to food. I
chose Benji. I was just finishing a leg when Fabio
returned from cleaning up. He seemed very upset. I
assured him that there was enough Benji for him as well.
Fabio recovered from his ire. He resumed planning a
party for his friends in my honour. When his friends
arrived, Fabio was worried they would not believe I
was a true Cro-Magnon. I simply showed them my 5759 BC club possession license. Incontrovertible establishment of my origin founded, the party carried on. One of Fabio’s
friends asked me for a favour. He asked that when I
return to my time, I do cavedrawings of planes and skyscrapers. He said it would‘mess archaeologists up’
when they were found. I was curious as to what
constituted an ‘archaeologist’. He said archaeology
was an odd profession in that its future lay in ruins.
Later at the party I noticed a fine sample of
femininity parked by the edge of the pool. I decided
to have her. I pulled her toward the lawn, she began
screaming. I was understandably frightened. Fabio
rushed over and said, “No,no Caveman, times have changed. You can’t treat women like that anymore. You must get her drunk first.” That social faus pax averted, I continued on with the party. People were amazed that I spoke English, apparently there are other languages. This must be confusing. In my time; however, we do not call our language English. We tend to name things after objects in nature. We speak River. Eventually, the party endedand we retired for the evening.
When I awoke, I realized that time was running
short. While here, I need acquire knowledge I can put
to use when I return to 5750 BC. Fabio gave me mousse
and cologne. He said I needed lots of cologne. While
appreciated, I wanted to know how to build and create
technological advances, such as the pocket. I asked
how to build a home like his, he said phone a
contractor. I asked about fighting sickness, he said
phone a doctor. I asked how one arranged for travel,
he said phone a travel agent. Clearly upon my return
home, next to the pocket, a phone was the most
pressing innovation requiring my attention. I asked
how Fabio sustained himself. He explained that he
stands in a certain spot while another person takes
pictures. He is an archetype of masculine aspiration.
Admirers who hold his form as the ideal artificially
project his other qualities, such as character and
intelligence. Fabio explained that this freed him
from the constraints of establishing an actual persona
thus allowing him more time to work on his tan and drive his Vette.
Fabio drove me to the Museum of Civilization. Here
I would have the opportunity to physically see the
progression of the species from my time to yours. We
came to a display labeled ‘Cro-Magnon Man’. There is
an actual Cro-Magnon man frozen in ice. I’ll be
damned if it wasn’t Bill. He was in a display as the
typical Cro-Magnon. Bill the buffoon we called him.
Of all the people who could have represented my
time,it was Bill they put on display. Bill who fell
down a well while chasing a ‘perdy flutterby’. Then
I saw it. Right there in Bill’s hand, frozen in the
block of ice, there was the butterfly. We should allbe so successful.
It was just then that I was instantly transported
back to 5750 BC. Everything was the same. I regaled
my clan with tales of the future. From my new,
awestriking pockets, I withdrew and handed out the
autographed pictures that Fabio had given me before my
departure. Warrior Jerek wanted 2 pictures.Fin

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